PG: Today I deserve a 100 for not dying. That fucking U arts essays, man. really makes me want to cry. i got constructive criticism, did another soc, and had help from hope and javi so hopefully everything will go well later tonight.

omg. editing film/ essay writing makes me want to cry when combined with the type of mood i'm in today. here's the soc i wrote, explains everything:

what the fuck u arts? on some real fucking shit? asking an artist what inspires them is like asking someone why they breathe? inspiration is around me, i'm an artist. i can see something ands it makes me want to move. but more than anything i want to make thoe things that people see and what.. oh ok. i want to be the creater of the things people see and want to do thigs after seeing. like, i wonder how other arisits feel abouyt that? like scorses? does he realize he's inspired a whole legion of artits to make art? does he realize he's made me went to make films? i mean, ok.. maybe not films just like him, but films. if i can amek one thought evoking project, direct one thought evoking play or movie that makes people open their eyes, i would be happy. i want people to see what i do and do one of two things: think or laugh. i love seeing people laugh and i love knowing that i have something to do with it. like, i love doing improv and watching people crack up at me putting myselfg on the line. and in a way, directing is the exact same way. you're putting your mind on display in hopes of making people gain an understanding of themselves and the world around them. it's silly, but i just want to make people happy. and discover. and learn... without having to teach it to them. like, the first time i ever saw raging bull i felt like, ok, could i do that ever? could i ever direct anything as good as that just was? i ran the gamet of emotions while watcching that film.. like mad woah. i don't know. and making people laugh. like i said before, if i couod make something thought evoking and edgy... just once i would be happy. but laughter. that's me. laughter is youth. i have s youthful soul, and at the heart of everything, i look at life thorugh the eyes of a child. sometimes i wish i didn't. but it's who im. i don't listen to hip indie folk and shit. dude, i've tried it, and i just can't wrap myhead around it. i appriciate it, but no. iw ould much rather go to warped tour or see badfish then go to a decemberisits concert. radio head is cool and all, but throw me some bab marley or some all time low, and i'm fucking good. plays movies, book, anything. the pole i'm surrounded by make me feel so inadaqute sometimes... and i'm not sure if it's no purpose or not. liek there are obviously some poeple who i know don't mean to, and we're just different people. but i know there are pople who theink they are better than me because of it. tony kushner? cool guy. he writes undoubtly awesome plays. but if i had a choice between that and dog sees god. sorry angels in america, it's a no go. our lady of 121st street cathes my attention faster the a bright room called day. ugh. sometimes i feel llike i'm not a real artist. if i had the choice between watchiing the seveth seal or the hagover, i'd rather watch the hangpover. step brothers beats the shit out of vanya on whatever the fuck place, oh! uncle vanya, step brothers kicks the shit out of it anyday. i fucking like lady gaga and ke$ha thank you very much. and whatever, back to my point. if i could direct one thing thought evoking, but spend the rest of my life making movies like step brothers or directing plays like dog sees god, i could die happy. laughter is some for of change. inwant to make people happy, and i know i can, eventually. i just have so much to learn. i don't say deep metaphorical shit, i just don't. i;m not that person. my shitty is whitty, my shit isn't well thought out, it's honest. it comes out. i hate dwelling, but i have to dwell on this because it means so much to me. i want to change people, want people to see the world through new eyes and i want to jnow i'm responsible for it. i want to people be happy when they see what i do. i want people to have the same revaltion that i just had about no matter how small or big a change is, art has the capacity to do thaty for someone. if i can have other people know that, it means i've contributed. it mean's i've helped. i'm an aritst, and i need to this. i need to make this happen. i don't matter anymore. i don't get lost in editing this film because i like it, i'm doing it becasue i want othert people to not do what i did. don't completly write off your drug addict uncle becuase it doesn';t take away form the fact that's he's your uncle. because he might die. i want people to never do that. like, i hope that no one is in that circumstance, but if they are, i hope that can look at what i did, and what my family is allowing me to capture and not do that. i want people to thinking of who they care about and tell them that they love them becuase you never know when it's over. i want people to realize that family really is more than blood. i think if people knew this, they coulld be a peace with some many things. they could be sp happy. i could save family's relationships. i want my mom to see this and know that there is a solid remeberance of my uncle that he deserves. i want to commeorate what a great talent and person my uncle was. he deserves it. the world deserbes to know who he is, and the deserve to know me too.

My first college app is in,

PG: 100. edited like a mofo. I kinda of miss acting on Mondays, but at the same time- I love what I have been doing. Today I went through all found allt he audio issues and put together a whole section of film roughly.

So I've decided that I would be happy as a cinematographer/ director/ actor/ artist. I really need and want to do it all. I want to have a dance/ theatre company with Hayley. I want to film movies- especially comedies. If I can make one Scorsese-esque thought evoking piece that was recongnized, I would be happy. But I want to make people laugh- oh, which leads to my other interest- I want to be on SNL. Ok. I'm done.