Mid Early Life Crisis. Not Really.

PG: Today I deserve a 100 because I'm and idiot and have no faith in myself and this is the one part of my future that I can control so if I can determine this and be in control of this and make this work out in my advantage then I will. That is why I get a 100.

So, today I had a bit of a mini-breakdown, which is appropriate, being I have this feeling of "I'm an idiot, what am I doing" ever since I've picked up Napkin. And being that I keep trying, but I'm not getting almost anything right, I've been contemplating for like, the past three days, if I'm really cut out for this business. Now, this takes me back to the whole Waiting for Guffman chat we had last year... But before I get to that, I just want to explain my logic. Katelin is a control freak, you know this. I've always been one of those people who figure things out fast, can lead people easily, yadayadayada. Then boom, this directing thing pops into my lap, and I guess hearing you say I have the personality of a director combined with always seeing the finshed product of a project, rather than really watching or particpating in directing, I thought it would be kinda sorta easy. Don't shoot. So when I didn't immideatly take to it, or immideatly get it, I felt so discouraged. Thus, leading me to belive that maybe this isn't the path I should be choosing. I don't know what other back up paths I had to bring this conclusion full circle... but I was just like so emo teenager about the whole thing I didn't care. So that's been me for the past two days. And then today. I have that whole, WTF moment in shop... and you look at me like I'm nuts. Then I go home and sulk about being like wow, I said something dumb, and then I reached my Waiting For Guffman moment while reading Waiting for Godot (awesome play, by the way) and I thought. What else coulfd I really do and be happy? Better, what could I do WELL, contribute to society, and be happy. And of course, I scanned the list that I like to pretends exists in my mind, but at this point in time I already know that the answer is nothing. And then I thought about what you said, with, "every first director hates their first show"... i really need to stop being so hard on myself, because you're right. I can't walk into somewhere, especially North Carolina and act like I haven't th slightest clue... even though I kinda don't. I'm learning, that's why there's college, So i can not look like as big a jackass as I do now when I try this again. I guess, I don't know? I'm sorry for doubting myself? I'm really embarassed now. I hate like, shit like this... this whiny bullshit. But I'm allowed to do that every so often, right? Becasue i really hate this shit. I'm so done. But thank you for looking at me the way you did and saying what you said today during class.